Guide to Not Being A Badmin

Spades says: "WELL CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS. YOU ARE NOW A MEMBER OF THE CIRCLEJERK THAT IS THE ADMIN STAFF! HERE'S YOUR NEW BANHAMMER, A LIST OF RULES, AND SHINY NEW POWERS THAT YOU GET TO FUCK WITH IN THE SERVER. ALL THERE IS TO IT, RIGHT? BAN RULEBREAKERS AND SPAWN GEAR, RIGHT? BEING AN ADMIN IS SO MUCH FUN! RIGHT?!! WELL YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG! PERHAPS YOU DO NOT YET COMPREHEND THE CATACLYSMIC CLUSTERFUCK YOU HAVE VOLUNTEERED YOURSELF FOR! BUT DON'T WORRY, OLD SPADES IS GOING TO HELP YOU NOT BE A BADMIN COCKSUCKER AND HOPEFULLY, AT THE END OF IT ALL, THE COMMUNITY JUST MIGHT TOLERATE AND TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT! AS AN ADMIN EXPERIENCED IN OVER SIX YEARS OF DEALING WITH THESE LITTLE SHITS, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS I HAVE DONE RIGHT, AND A NUMBER OF THINGS I HAVE FUCKED UP. IT IS THE HOPE OF THIS GRIZZLED OLD ADMIN THAT YOU TAKE THE LESSONS OF MY SUCCESSES AND FAILURES AND APPLY THEM TO YOUR OWN METHODS."

PART ONE: PARTICIPATE IN THE COMMUNITY

YOU'D THINK THIS STEP TO BE OBVIOUS, BUT YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY ADMINS HIDE IN THEIR OFFICE ALL DAY UNTIL SOMEONE BREAKS A RULE. IF YOUR ONLY PRESENCE IS TO BAN SOME SORRY FUCK, YOU WILL BE SEEN AS A HARBINGER OF SHITSTORM, AND PEOPLE WILL RESENT YOU BY DEFAULT. IF YOU ONLY SHOW UP TO TELL SOMEONE THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, THEN PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE A LITTLE FUCKING SALTY AND NERVOUS WHEN THEY SEE YOU AROUND.

BE ACTIVE ON THE FORUM. JOIN ON TEAMSPEAK OR SKYPE OR IRC OR WHATEVER. DON'T SIT AROUND IN THE FUCKING ADMIN CHANNELS OR IN LOCKED PRIVATE CHANNELS ALL DAY. GO CHILL OUT IN THE OTHER CHANNELS. MINGLE AMONG THE PEASANTS COMMUNITY. GET TO KNOW THEM. BE FRIENDLY, COOL GUY. THEN MAYBE WHEN ONE OF THEM FUCKS UP, THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY REFLECT UPON THEIR ACTIONS, SEE IT FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW, AND ADMIT THEY FUCKED UP. THEY MIGHT EVEN TAKE THEIR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN. IN FACT, YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE TO PUNISH THEM TO BEGIN WITH.

IF YOU PAY ATTENTION, YOU MIGHT EVEN PICK UP ON PEOPLE'S OPINIONS, TWATWAFFLE.

PART TWO: COMMUNICATION

THIS IS WHAT SETS APART THE BESTMINS FROM THE BADMINS.

IF YOU DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER ADMINS, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BAD TIME. IS SOME PLAYER BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE TO PEOPLE? THEN LEAVE A GOD DAMN PLAYERNOTE, YOU USELESS MAGGOT. IF A PLAYER HAD TO BE WARNED ABOUT SOMETHING, WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN, BECAUSE ANOTHER ADMIN MIGHT BE GETTING TOLD THIS PERSON IS BEING A PUTRID DINGLEBERRY, AND NEEDS TO BE AWARE IF THIS IS NOT THEIR FIRST OFFENSE, SO AS TO AVOID AN ENDLESS STREAM OF WARNINGS, WHICH THE PROBLEM PLAYER MAY EVENTUALLY DISREGARD.

SEE A PLAYER TALKING SHIT IN CHARACTER TO A POINT WHERE IT'S TICKING PEOPLE OFF OOCLY? MAKE A PLAYERNOTE.

NEW PLAYER CAN'T SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH BECAUSE IT'S NOT HIS FIRST LANGUAGE? LEAVE A PLAYERNOTE.

PLAYER SHOT ANOTHER PLAYER FOR NO FUCKING REASON? LEAVE A PLAYERNOTE.

SOME PLAYER TRYING TO SHIT UP OOC WITH FLAMEBAIT? LEAVE A PLAYERNOTE.

IT'S FUCKING ELEMENTARY, FATSON!

FURTHERMORE, IF A PLAYER HAS FUCKED UP IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT WAS WORTH A PLAYERNOTE, IT WAS PROBABLY ALSO WORTH TALKING TO THEM ABOUT IT, AND VISE-VERSA. THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUNISH THE POOR LITTLE SHIT. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO SCREAM AND YELL AND CUSS THEM OUT. ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION CALMLY AND RATIONALLY AND INSTEAD OF BANNING THEM, YOU MIGHT EVEN GET AN APOLOGY OUT OF THEM, OR SEE A FLAW IN THE WAY THE RULES ARE WRITTEN THAT IS CONFUSING THEM. A WISE MAN ONCE SAID IT IS BETTER TO FORGIVE IN ERROR, THAN TO PUNISH IN ERROR.

"BUT SPADES, WHAT IF THEY DO IT AGAIN?! I NEED TO BAN THEM BEFORE THEY CAN DO MORE HARM FOR AM THE RIGHTEOUS ADMIN!!"

COOL YOUR FUCKING JETS, HOTSHOT. IF YOU FORGAVE SOMEONE ONCE WHO JUST DECIDES TO BE A COCKHEAD AGAIN, YOU'LL HAVE A SECOND SHOT TO SMASH THEIR SMUG PRICK FACE IN WITH YOUR GLORIOUS BANHAMMER. SO SIMMER DOWN, DOUCHEPICKLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I USED TO DO WHEN SOMEONE RDMED MY SERVER? I FUCKING BANNED THEM IMMEDIATELY AND PERMANENTLY. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? THE SERVER FUCKING DIED. SO DON'T FUCK THAT UP OR I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE, SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD, AND TAKE A STEAMING SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK.

IF FOR WHATEVER REASON COMMUNICATIONS HAVE FAILED AS EVIDENCED BY NO CHANGE TO PROBLEM BEHAVIOR, OR THE OFFENDING INDIVIDUAL HAS LOGGED OFF BEFORE YOU COULD GET THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY, YOU MAY PROCEED TO THE NEXT STEP.

PART TURD: DING DONG BANNU

"SPADES, HELP! I'M DOING MY BEST, I TRIED TALKING, I TRIED BEING COOL GUY, BUT THEY'RE STILL BEING A SHITTER! NOW WHAT?"

WELL FUCK, EITHER YOU HAVE COMPLETELY FAILED THE LAST TWO STEPS, OR THE OTHER PLAYER IS LEGITIMATELY A LOBOTIMIZED FUCKWIT. WARM UP THAT BANHAMMER, BECAUSE HERE COMES THE PAIN.

"AW SWEET, THAT FAGGOT JUST RDMED LIKE TEN PLAYERS, I'M GONNA PERMABAN HIM--"

SLOW DOWN, TITSMCGEE. WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SERVER? BANNING SOMEONE SHOULD NOT BE SOMETHING YOU ARE PROUD ABOUT, AND EVEN IF YOU SECRETLY ARE, DON'T FUCKING LET ANYONE KNOW THAT, YOU LITTLE BITCHNUGGET. THAT MEANS DON'T GO BRAGGING TO YOUR FUCKING PALS ABOUT IT.

NOW BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND. CHECK THEIR PLAYERNOTES.

FOR STARTERS, ARE THEY A NEW PLAYER? IF THE OFFENSE IS BAD ENOUGH, SUCH AS BOMBING THE PLACE, YOU CAN "PERMANENTLY" BAN THEM OFF THE BAT, BUT POLITELY INCLUDE IN THE BAN REASON THAT THEY SHOULD READ THE RULES AND APPEAL.

IF IT IS NOT A NEW PLAYER, IS THIS THEIR FIRST OFFENSE? IF YOU FOLLOWED THE PREVIOUS STEPS, YOU'VE ALREADY CHECKED THIS, BUT JUST IN CASE IT WASN'T IMPLIED HARD ENOUGH IN STEP 2 THAT YOU SHOULD DO THIS, I WILL MAKE IT PAINFULLY FUCKING OBVIOUS HERE THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK THE GOD DAMN PLAYERNOTES.

DOES THE PLAYER HAVE A HISTORY OF DOING THIS SHIT? IS THAT REFLECTED IN THE PLAYERNOTES, OR ARE YOU JUST PISSED OFF AND/OR DID YOUR METABUDDIES TELL YOUR GULLIBLE ASS THAT THIS PLAYER IS A FREQUENT SHITTER?

IF YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING IN ANGER, IT'S A RELIABLE WARNING FLAG THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT THINKING RATIONALLY. TAKE A DEEP BREATH OVER FOUR SECONDS, THEN EXHALE FOR ANOTHER FOUR SECONDS. REPEAT AS NECESSARY. INHALE, COUNT TO FOUR, EXHALE, COUNT TO FOUR. YOU CHILL? GOOD. NOW WE MOVE ON.

FOR A FIRST OFFENDER, AS STATED PRIOR, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST FUCKING WARN THEM. HOWEVER, YOU'RE ON STEP 3 SO WE ASSUME THIS ISN'T THE CASE, OR THEY HAVE A WHOLE LIST OF "FIRST" OFFENSES. YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION SHOULD BE THAT THIS JACKASS DID NOT READ THE RULES. BE DESCRIPTIVE WITH THE BAN. IF YOU BAN SOMEONE FOR "GRIEFING" AND THEY APPEAL IT AND YOU FORGOT HOW THEY WERE GRIEFING, PLAYERS WILL THINK OF YOU LIKE YOU'RE A HEAPING BAG OF DICKS WHEN YOU FAIL TO DEFEND THE REASONING FOR YOUR BAN. IT WOULD PROBABLY ALSO HELP IF YOU LEAVE A LINK TO THE SERVER'S RULES.

OH YEA, AND LEAVE A FUCKING PLAYERNOTE. ONLY JOB BANS ARE AUTOLOGGED IN PLAYERNOTES FOR SOME REASON.

PART FOWAR: USE YOUR JUDGEMENT

"SPADES, THIS PERSON IS CLEARLY BEING A SHITTER, THEY AREN'T BEING REASONABLE, BUT I CAN'T FIND A SPECIFIC RULE TO BAN THEM FOR IT!"

YOU ARE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING, NOT AN UNFEELING ROBOT THAT STRICTLY OBEYS ITS PROGRAMMING. ALTHOUGH WRITTEN BY YOUR MASTERFUL COMMUNITY FOUNDER AND/OR HIS CLOSEST MINIONS, THE RULES AREN'T FUCKING PERFECT AND THEY NEVER WILL BE. SO THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO OCCASIONALLY, RARELY, ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, DO SHIT BASED ON YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT, REGARDLESS OF IF IT IS OR IS NOT IN THE RULES. THIS IS WHERE THE JOB GETS TRICKY, BECAUSE IF YOU FUCK UP HERE, IT WILL BACKFIRE HORRIBLY--SO MAKE SURE YOU'RE CALM AND THINKING LIKE A RATIONAL FUCKING PERSON BEFORE YOU PROCEED.

IF FOR EXAMPLE A SINGLE PLAYER DECIDES IT'S OKAY TO KICK PEOPLE IN THE DICK AND RUN AWAY GIGGLING LIKE A YEAST INFECTED CUMBUBBLE, IT'S ALREADY COVERED UNDER THE UNIVERSAL "COMMON SENSE SHIT THAT SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE WRITTEN" RULE, AKA, THE "DON'T BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE" POLICY. TELL THE PLAYER TO KNOCK IT OFF, EXPLAIN WHY PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE BEING KICKED IN THE DICK, AND LET THEM GO ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS. HOWEVER, IF NOW THREE PEOPLE, SIX PEOPLE, TEN FUCKING PEOPLE ALL START DOING THE SAME SHIT, THEN MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING ENTICING THEM TO DO SO, AND EITHER THE CAUSE NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH, OR MAYBE IT'S TIME TO ADD A NEW RULE OR MAKE AN EXISTING RULE MORE CLEAR.

IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO WITH YOUR GUT, YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF, BECAUSE THE SHITTIEST OF SHITTERS ARE GOING TO POINT TO THE RULES AND WHINE, "OH BUT MR ADMIN, IT DOESN'T SPECIFICALLY SAY IN THE RULES THAT I CAN'T TIE SOMEONE DOWN AND SHOVE A CATTLEPROD UP THEIR RECTUM AND TURN UP THE VOLTAGE UNTIL THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTING HOTDOGS BECAUSE IT'S ALL IC." WELL YOU TELL THEM, "WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK, BUT DO YOU REALLY THINK A PERSON OF SOUND MIND WOULD DO SUCH A THING?! WHY DID YOU DO IT?!" AND PROCEED FROM THERE, USING YOUR JUDGEMENT. ASK YOURSELF IF ANY RULES HAD BEEN BROKEN, THEN ASK YOURSELF IF YOU'D HAVE DONE THE SAME SHIT UNDER SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES. BEING IN-CHARACTER DOES NOT GRANT IMMUNITY TO BEING A RANCID WEEK-OLD SKIDMARK

IF YOU FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS FUCKING UP, FOLLOW PREVIOUS STEPS ONE AND TWO. IF YOU STILL FEEL LIKE THEY ARE IN THE WRONG OR NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE, CHECK THE RULES, BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE. IF IT IS, POINT IT OUT. IF THEY STILL DON'T GET IT, TRY TO EXPLAIN. IF THEY STILL DON'T FUCKING GET IT, OR IF IT'S NOT IN THE RULES, USE YOUR JUDGEMENT. ARE THEY GOING TO CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR? IF NOT, THEN LET THEM GO ABOUT THEIR MERRY FUCKING DAY AND LEAVE A PLAYERNOTE DESCRIBING THE INTERACTION. AS OUTLINED PREVIOUSLY IN THIS GUIDE, THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE IS CHECK THOSE FUCKING PLAYERNOTES! HAS THE PLAYER DONE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR BEFORE AND CAUSED PROBLEMS? HAS SOMEONE TRIED TELLING THEM TO CUT IT OUT? OR IS THERE JUST A WHOLE LIST OF SHIT THEY'VE BEEN DOING AND WHILE NONE OF IT IS DIRECTLY RELATED, THEY KEEP BEING A PROBLEM? IF THIS SHIT HAPPENS OFTEN, AND IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY THIS CUMSTAIN IS COMPLAINED ABOUT BY SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, FOR SOME REASON, AND YOU HAVE GOOD EVIDENCE IN THE PLAYERNOTES THAT THEY ARE PROBABLY GOING TO CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR AND SHITTING ON OTHER PEOPLE'S FUN, THEN YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO ENGAGE BANHAMMER AND NOT GIVE A FUCK IF IT'S SPECIFICALLY COVERED BY THE RULES.

LASTLY, REMEMBER THAT SHIT I SAID ABOUT OFFENSES? IF IT'S THEIR FIRST OFFENSE, OR THEY'VE ONLY HAD ONE OR TWO OTHER OFFENSES FROM LIKE A MONTH AGO, THE VERY WORST YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM IS A DAY BAN. IF IT'S THEIR SECOND CONSECUTIVE OFFENSE, THREE DAYS. IF IT'S THEIR THIRD OFFENSE, OR THEY WERE BEING A SPECIAL KIND OF CUMGUZZLING THUNDERCUNT INSULTING AND CUSSING LIKE AN AUTISTIC MANBABY WITH A FECAL-FILLED URINE-DRENCHED DIAPER CHAFING THEIR SCROTUM, BAN THEM FOR A WHOLE FUCKING WEEK. IF THE SHIT STILL KEEPS UP, THEN PERMA THEIR ASS.

ARE THERE OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES PLAYING INTO THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF A PLAYER, SUCH AS REAL LIFE STRESS, OR OTHER PLAYERS BEING CUNTS? WHILE TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT, IT'S SEEN AS A DICK MOVE TO BAN SOMEONE FOR A WHOLE FUCKING WEEK BECAUSE HE RDMED A FEW PEOPLE WHO STARTED IT BY TALKING MAD SHIT IN LOCAL OOC. CUT THEM SOME FUCKING SLACK OR AT LEAST TALK TO THEM AND LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU'RE INVESTIGATING IT. THE ONE THING I ALWAYS FUCKING HATED AS A KID IS WHEN MOMMA WOULD PUNISH ME FOR SHIT THAT WAS IN RESPONSE TO SHIT MY SISTER DID, BUT AS FAR AS I COULD TELL, MOMMA DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK AND MY SISTER GOT OFF SCOT FREE. NOW THAT I AM A BIG BOY I KNOW THAT ISN'T TRUE, BUT IT DIDN'T DO ME ANY FUCKING FAVORS AT THE TIME. REMEMBER WHAT I SAID IN THE PREVIOUS STEPS ABOUT COMMUNICATION, OR PLAYERS WILL RECOGNIZE YOU AS AN UNAVAILING FUCKTRUMPET.

TAKE SPECIAL CARE WHEN DEALING WITH FRIENDS, BECAUSE THEY WILL OFTEN BE THE FIRST TO SHIT ON YOU EXPECTING TO GET OFF WITH LIGHT PUNISHMENT. IF THEY ABUSE THIS, BAN THEM EXTRA HARD JUST TO WIPE THAT RETARDED GRIN OFF THEIR ARROGANT FACE. ON THE OTHER HAND, IF THEY BITCH ABOUT SOMETHING, HANDLE IT AS YOU WOULD IF THEY WERE A NORMAL PLAYER, AND TRY TO KEEP THIS CONSCIOUSLY IN MIND. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HURT YOUR WAIFU'S FEELINGS DOESN'T MEAN YOUR WAIFU WASN'T THE ONE BEING A SHITHEAD IN ANY GIVEN SCENARIO. IF YOU CANNOT BE FAIR AND JUST IN SITUATIONS INVOLVING YOUR FRIENDS WITHOUT THEM WHINING ABOUT IT, THEY AIN'T YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS!

PART FIVE: ACCEPTING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

YOU HAVE DISHONORED YOUR TITLE AND BROUGHT SHAME TO YOUR ADMIN BRETHREN. BEFORE YOU SEPPUKU, TAKE A DEEP BREATH. YOU FUCKED UP, BUT THE FACT THAT YOU FUCKED UP MEANS YOU'RE AT LEAST TRYING TO DO YOUR JOB, WHICH IS STILL BETTER THAN BEING A USELESS ASSHAT. REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT BEING A HUMAN BEING? UNFORTUNATELY, HUMANS OCCASIONALLY FUCK UP. THIS WOULD NORMALLY SPELL DISASTER FOR A YOUNG PROMISING ADMIN, BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL AND STOP A SHITSTORM FROM TURNING INTO A FULLBLOWN TURDTORNADO. REMEMBER THAT SHIT I SAID ABOUT FORGIVENESS, THOUGH? HOPEFULLY YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T OFTEN FORGIVE PEOPLE, THEN MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL.

IF A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK YOU FUCKED UP, CHANCES ARE, YOU PROBABLY DID FUCK UP. IF YOU THINK THEY'RE MAD NOW THAT YOU FUCKED UP, JUST WAIT UNTIL THEY THINK YOU DON'T CARE THAT YOU FUCKED UP. YOU NEED TO SWALLOW YOUR SALTY LOAD OF PRIDE, STRAIGHTEN YOUR SHOULDERS, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, LOOK THEM DEAD IN THE EYE, AND SAY YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY. TELL THEM YOU ACTED IRRATIONALLY, YOU ACTED ON EMOTION, YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING LIKE THEM, OR WHATEVER. ADMIT YOU DID NOT TREAT THEM FAIRLY, AND APOLOGIZE. ABOVE ALL, BE HONEST ABOUT IT. PEOPLE CAN USUALLY TELL IF YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

AFTER FUCKING UP, IT'S GOOD TO TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME OFF. NOT A WEEK, NOT A DAY, NOT A MONTH, NOT AN HOUR. JUST, "TIME". ASSURE THEM YOU'LL BE BACK SOON AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HARD FEELINGS, AND THANK THEM FOR THEIR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING IN DEALING WITH YOUR SHIT.

ADMITTING FAULT, ACTIVELY ATTEMPTING TO CORRECT THEM, AND TAKING OTHER MEASURES SO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN, WILL CAUSE THE COMMUNITY TO RESPECT YOU IN SPITE OF YOUR FAILURES. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN ANY TIME SOON, OR I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN ENTRAILS.

REMEMBER, VORESTATION STAFF, THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY. ANY COMMUNITY CLAIMING TO BE A DEMOCRACY IS LYING TO YOUR FACE. YOU ARE DICTATORS--BUT YOU ARE BENIGN DICTATORS. LEAVE THE COMMUNITY IN A BETTER STATE THAN WHAT YOU ARRIVED TO. OR QUIT.